Frank Sinatra

It's been such a long time since I've written on here.  I really probably should start consistantly doing this again.  I will probably write the same things I have always written before.  I feel as though my life and thoughts just circle but never actually get anywhere.  Same cycle, same situation, and still struggling to find a balance.

I was invited to a "Shades of Sinatra" show last night where these guys sang and did a tribute to Frank Sinatra.  I love Frank Sinatra by the way...he never goes out of style.  As I was sitting there I realized why I don't listen to Frank Sinatra all the time...they are all amazing love songs about passionate...crazy in love relationships he must have had.  I left the concert depressed....I'm 28 and never have had fireworks, can't live without the other person kind of love in my life.  Praying..."God...will it ever happen?".  I read a biography on Frank and he married his childhood sweetheart and then married 3 other women after that.  Crazy.  He must have experienced those emotions more than once.

A New Year...

It's a new year with new goals and some of the same goals.  I just really need to plan smart and achieve them.

I want to live in a loft that I own and make enough money to not worry about money and to give to people.

I want to buy a keyboard.

I will speak my mind more and be more bold and honest more quickly.

I will be physically fit and healthier.

I will drink less and not go out to clubs as much as I did this last year...if at all.

I will work on getting better at salsa dancing and be more consistant in it.

I will keep at the forefront the things most important to me and start planning my exit strategy out of Las Vegas...if that's what the Lord wants.

1st Christmas...

This is my first Christmas without my family ever...so I am going to my roommate's family's house for dinner.  I think this Christmas will be better because they drink and I have never got to enjoy a Christmas with liquor.  Gosh...that would have made the holidays so much easier with my family if we only would've had liquor...bummer.  Anyway...it felt weird a few weeks before Christmas and lonely but then my neighbor George from Jersey called and invited me over for Watermelon martinis and Christmas tree decorating...I came home and cried.  That meant the world to me.

Merry Christmas to everyone!!!! 

It's been an eternity since I have written on here.  I have mainly been into MySpace and doing that way more. 

I am listening to India Arie who I think is one of my favorite artists now.  She is soulful, deep, positive, and the music is amazing.  I love acoustic guitar and piano and soul all in one.  There is a song called, "Ready for Love"...amazing.

This journey in Vegas has been good, hard, and fun all in one.  Good in the aspect of getting away from familiarity and complacency and stepping out.  Hard in that I have had no good friends exept the man that I was dating and kind of still am.  I am not sure how to define our relationship at this point, but I am very thankful I met him here.  He's like the one solid, inspiring person in my life that is tangibly here.  He is a great friend in my life right now and I am not sure where we are headed...great friendship...marriage...commitment...no idea.  He may just be a person that I am supposed to know here only.  All I know is that I am glad we are what we are right now.  He challenges me mentally, emotionally, spiritually (in a way) and physically.  I am a banker but that is not exactly something that I am enjoying...it's mundane and not exciting at all.  It's weird to be in this place of grey in my life and not a lot of black and white.  For 23 years of my life things were black and white and full of purpose and now I question that purpose in so many ways that I was fixed on soley.  Not God and His existance but just the calling to which I thought I was called to.  I don't know if that was reality or I don't know how I fit into it now.  I went from one extreme to another and to go back...it seems not possible to be in that exact spot again.  So in a way I just feel lost.  My heart still really is in this place of wanting to get married, have a family, serve people, do ministry in a not so cookie cutter way, and still be extravagant in lifestyle.  Not be extravagant in lifestyle for myself but I have always known my influence was in a wealthy arena...it's just the way God built me from a baby.  I have always been extravagant in everything I have done.  Its so funny that money has always been a struggle for me though.  I know there is a smarter way than the way I have taken, but I just don't know where that path is.  The fun part is  clubbing here, meeting people from every culture and background, and being in a sunny fun environment.

I needed to get all of these thoughts out of me as I have reflected on life here and my brain not shutting off.  It is a relief to write all of this.  Another thing I have learned is that I know the people that are in my life for life by not living close to them are amazing.  I am grateful for the incredible people who I know...loving unconditionally, and always being there for me.  Blows me away.

Love...